One of the most important parts of the adoption process is the big conversation that parents have with their child to inform them that they were adopted. Parents choose to do this in all different ways, and at many different times. Some children are as young as five, while others are in the late teenagers years when they find out. However, no matter when this realization occurs, one of the most common concerns is whether or not the adopted child will want to find or reconnect with their birth families. This is a loaded topic, and it is handled differently from family to family. But from a sociological perspective, one of the interesting things to look at is how the progression of technology, particularly in regards to the internet, has affected the number and types of adoption reunions that occur every year. In a 1996 study, researchers found that 72% of adopted adolescents wanted to know the reason for their adoption, 65% wished to meet their birth parents, and 94% wanted to know which birth parent they looked like. (“Adoption Statistics: Birth Family Search”) This shows how many adoptees are curious about their birth families, and with the rising number of social networking sites including Facebook and Myspace, it is simply easier to find people these days! Often, searching a person’s name and place of residence is enough to get multiple results. In addition, a plethora of sites and registries have now been created online with the purpose of helping adoptees and birth parents reconnect. One writer says that, “Since the advent of the Internet, and entire industry has sprung up to meet the growing demand.” (“Using the Internet to Find Birth Parents”). This includes sites that have legal documents and birth records available, reunion registry search sites such as AdoptionRegistry.com, genealogy websites such as Ancestory.com, and web forums and chat rooms dedicated to reconnection. Overall, this revolution can be a great thing to help adoptees learn as much or as little about their families as they wish. It allows for more and more reunions that lead to positive results. However, it has also become controversial for the many problems it can cause as well. For instance, social networking sites and chat rooms have been publicized greatly regarding their dangers and insecurities. This applies to adoption searches as well, as people have paid money to investigators who are fakes, or even talked to people impersonating family. (“Using the Internet to Find Birth Parents”). Adoption searches are not any more safe than any other form of internet networking, and therefore children especially need to be educated and monittered to go about this process safely. In addition, the difference between closed and open adoptions was discussed earlier, and this can become an issue as well. For instance, in a closed adoption, adoptees and birth parents cannot contact one another until the adoptee has reached the age of 18. However, giving up a child is extremely difficult, and some birth parents are getting anxious to find and contact their children before this deadline. And now, they have plenty of resources through which to do it. Even in an open or semi-open adoption, it can be problematic if birth parents contact their children without permission or before the child knows or is ready to deal with these circumstances. For example, here is an account given by a woman on About.com regarding this issue…
“How Social Media Has Affected Our Lives”
“Social media has created a difficult situation for me. My 14-year-old daughter's birthmother contacted her through Facebook without my knowledge or permission. Fortunately, my daughter told me immediately and we have worked through this. The issue for me is that while I have always been very upfront about the fact that my daughter is adopted and that she could access information about her birthparents when she was 18, what her birthmother did is an invasion of our privacy. The birthmother had no idea how this might affect my daughter, and I see it as a very selfish act on her part. I have always freely shared information with the birthparents because I am so grateful to them for this precious gift given to me, but I have shared information because it is the right thing to do. Also, I have an older adopted daughter whose birthparents have respected the age boundaries and I am concerned this makes her feel less worthy, even though we've discussed that this isn't a reflection of her worth.” (“Social Media and Adoption”)
This is an example of how these societal changes can actually led to unfortunate reunions that do not benefit the child or their families. However, as said before, the exact opposite is the case for many people who are excited and relieved to have so many ways to search and find their families. When it comes down to it, the most important part is that when kids go looking for their birth relatives, they are educated and prepared for the various results. In addition, birth parents need to remain loyal to their adoption agreements and respect their children and their adopted families.
Adoption Interview
1) How old were you when you were told you were adopted? What did your parents tell you about your birth parents at the time?
I've always known my whole life that I did not come from my momma's belly, but from another woman. When I was younger I understood that surprisingly well but as I got older I had to know more. They really only told me she was from kansas, she had a daughter before me and was really struggling in life. She kept my older half sister but gave me away. Come to find out november last year I have a 22 year old half sister Ashley, I'm 20, a 14 year old half sister Hannah (who has the same birthday as me, August 1st), and a 5 month old half sister Journie. I was the only one she decided to put up for adoption to have a better life. I thank God for that everyday!
2) Who from your birth family contacted you? And how? (aka facebook, search engine, etc.)
My half-sister Ashley found me through facebook after a year of knowing I existed. Even though I've known about her my whole life. She was angry with her mother enough to go against her wishes to find me and succeeded.
3) Did they contact your parents first to ask if it was okay to get in contact with you?
Ashley didn't really know my parents, or have any legal papers or anything with our information to get in contact with them first. Just had our last name my name and birthdate. Being over 18 they have to right to contact me and I have the right to contact them according to the rules of a closed adoption.
4) Growing up, did you ever have an interest in reuniting with your birth family at all? (Would you have pursued it if they didn’t?) Why? Why not?
Yes, I've always had the desire to know where I've come from. Who I look like, where I should have been raised. I always wondered. My mother (Marla) who was adopted has no desire at all to contact her birth family. It's a preference. Eventually I believe I would have found a way to find them, but God worked it out in His perfect timing and brought them to me.
5) What was your initial reaction when your family contacted you?
My initial reaction was complete and utter shock! I was screaming and almost crying when I saw the friend request from Ashley LaCroix. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited.
I feel really good about knowing my birth family now, even though my birth mother does not seem to want to contact me. To me that's not rejection or whatever... it's just gotta be hard to see or talk to the child you gave away so many years ago. But my two half sisters Ashley and Hannah are so accepting and very curious as to why I was the one that got the good life when their mother has stolen from them to get money for drugs and alcohol their whole lives. They call me "the lucky one" and often ask about my life and what it's like to travel and go to college and to have a great family.
7) How do you think things will go from here out? Will you keep in contact with them? Visit? Let things go?
I really believe this happened for a great reason only God knows for right now. I believe I'm supposed to be somewhat of an example for them and show them that life doesn't have to be a dump or families don't have to lie and steal from each other. Especially Hannah who is 14 and still very moldable and open to new things. I definitely want to keep in contact with them for the rest of my life and to eventually visit my half sisters and to meet my half nieces (Ashleys two daughters.. Kylee and Emma) Yes the name Kylee was kinda a coincidence... though she thought she'd heard it before and really liked it for some reason.
8) Has this experienced changed your perspective at all about who you are?
This experience really has changed a lot about who I am! God has shown me even more the ministry I have in helping to restore and rescue the young girls or even boys that have been unloved or are just stuck in a bad lifestyle.
My family was pretty shocked at first just like I was, and often reminded me to be careful and not expect anything from them or for them to be bitter or to hate me for the life I've had compared to theirs. This is not the case at all! Ashley and Hannah understand that I was just given this life for a big purpose and it's not coincidence that I was the one that was given up. But I think my sister Jillian felt a little like I had found new sisters and wanted to replace her or just felt like I loved them more. Which is not true. I feel like my family is very supportive now because I don't hold my birth sisters over my real family. As far as I'm concerned this is how it should be.
10) As someone who has gone through this experience, do you think that it is a good thing that new technologies have allowed for easier or more casual reconnections with birth families? Why or why not?
Yes I'm really thankful for the chance to get to know them, and to realize God knew exactly what he was doing 20 years ago when he gave a young woman the desire to give her baby a better life. Technology is getting crazy now but I'm very thankful! My parents watched her cry in the lawyers office as she said she believed God told her to give me up as I was still in her belly, and from there on I think she knew I wasn't hers.
11) And, do you think birth families should seek out their kids? Or do you think kids should be the ones to initiate the process if they would like?
My thought is the child should be the one to reach out to the birth family. The birth parents should understand when they give a child up that that child is no longer theirs. They really have no place to... though I always thought my birth mother would when I was younger. I think the way my birth sister reached out to me, was perfectly acceptable. Non invading or making me get to know her/them. She asked over and over if I wanted to know them, if this was too weird or too much to handle. I was just so curious I couldn't help it. I still feel like my birth mother doesn't want to know me or get to meet me. She really didn't even approve of finding me. But she asked to see my pictures on facebook and asked Ashley about my life. I respect her very much and I don't believe the strength she had came from herself. I really believe God gave her temporary strength just for that. I think I'm going to write her a letter sometime soon to share that with her. God only knows what will happen! I'm sorry again if this is too late... I hope you get this on your blog in time! I hope I answered everything good enough! Ask any questions if something is unclear! Thank you I love telling this story!
A few revealing things about the process...
v The interviewee is a girl of great faith, and was clearly prepared and mature enough to handle her reunion. This is evident in her confidence regarding her mother’s decision not to contact her – which otherwise could be somewhat devastating, and as well in her ability to handle the fact that her birth mother has lived an extremely hard life, along with her siblings. Rather than allowing it to get to her, she is grateful and ready to help her siblings in any way she can.
v Many people ask – what makes the difference people adoptees who wish to meet their birth parents and those who don’t? One article says that it truly comes down to personal preference and personality! It has less to do with environment and conditions and much more to do with simply what the tendency of the adoptee is. (“Do Adopted Children Ever Want to Meet Their Birth Parents”). The interviewee here confirms that! She has a wonderful adoptive family who she loves, but she wanted to know about her birth family, and even as the statistics say, who she looked like! She says she believes it is just personal preference.
v Her situation was perfectly legal and appropriate because she was over the age of 18, and she was glad to have been contacted! However, randomly finding a friend request on Facebook from a family member could also have the opposite affect depending on the adoptee and their desires regarding reunion. The interviewee also expressed that even though her situation was different, in general she thinks that children should be the ones to initiate contact.
Considering the information and interview, some food for thought….
1) Do you think these new avenues allowing families to find one another are positive progressions, or are just causing more issues or problems for adoptive families?
2) Do you think parents should be the ones to contact children, or visa versa?
3) How do you think adoption reunion affect the adoptive families? How might you deal or view this situation if you were an adoptive parent?
Sources:
“Do Adopted Children Ever Want To Meet Their Birth Parents”
http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/article_view/article_id/3625
http://adoption.about.com/u/ua/searchandreunion/social_media_adoption_search_reunion.htm
“Adoption Statistics: Birth Family Search”
http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-birth-family-search.html
Posted by: Courtney Vataha, Kendall Eifler, Cassandra Knox, Nancy Chen, and Jessica Powell
Wow! This was all really incredible! I appreciate the fact that you posted the interview along with stories from people who have either been wronged or were excited to hear from their birth family.
ReplyDeleteI have a few friends that were adopted but I didnt realize all of the extras that come with being adopted. To be honest, I havent even heard of open and closed adoptions!
I understand the rule that there shouldnt be any communication between the adopted child and their birth family until their 18. This makes sense to me but if the adopted child wanted to contact their family, I think that would be understandable. Other than that, I dont think that the birth family should contact the child until they are 18 out of respect for their own decision.
Great post!
Carolyn Kaufman
I have a difficult time feeling angry with birth families for wanting to contact their birth children, however I understand how it may be a huge challenge for the adoptive parents and adopted child. I have sympathy for the birth families who had to give their children up to adoption because of financial issues, because it shows that they cared enough about their children to place them in a better environment, even if that meant away from them. They must've cared a lot about their child from the start, so it makes sense that they would want to know how the child was doing as they grew older.
ReplyDeleteFrom the adoptive family's perspective, however, having the birth family contact the child would create a difficult decision for the child: to either communicate and become in contact with their birth family again or to continue living a life where they see only their adoptive family as their true family. The child would have to make a decision, and may be torn because they would think that their adoptive family would feel betrayed, even though in many cases, I'm sure they would not. When a child has not developed into a mature adult yet, this decision could be too much for them to understand. Even though it is a difficult decision to make, I believe the birth family should wait until the child is 18 before they initiate any communication with them.
Elissa May